Only Fools Think They’ll Strike Gold The First Time ‘Round
Rio Lee
INT. GOLDEN BANK FRONT DESK - EVENING
CROE (17; Human) walks into the gaudy GOLDEN BANK. Croe is wearing sunglasses and an outfit meant to hide her features (like hiding hair with a hat, hiding body shape with a jacket, etc.)
She walks up to the front desk and flashes an I.D. card.
CROE
Rufus Lupin, I’m the inspector scheduled to come in to uh...
She glances back and forth, leaning over the desk to whisper.
CROE
...inspect the goods.
DOESN’T-GET-PAID-ENOUGH-WORKER
(monotone; drawls out his words)
The goods?
There’s an awkward pause.
CROE
A-ha! Sorry for the bad joke. You see, I'm from the government. Standard bank inspection, nothing more.
DOESN’T-GET-PAID-ENOUGH WORKER (50; Human) blinks and checks the computer to his right, with agonizing 5-second pauses between every key press.
Croe’s eyes glance back and forth between the computer and the worker, forcing a smile.
DOESN’T-GET-PAID-ENOUGH-WORKER
(still slow…)
Hm… We don’t have any appointments scheduled for an inspector—
CROE
(cuts him off)
It’s a surprise visit! Y’know, gotta keep the bank on their toes.
DOESN’T-GET-PAID-ENOUGH Worker just blinks at them.
CROE
It’s all perfectly legal! We just want an honest view of your bank’s practices!
DOESN’T-GET-PAID-ENOUGH Worker blinks again. Croe lets out an exasperated sigh.
CROE
Look, neither of us wants to be stuck here all day, can you please just let me in?
DOESN’T-GET-PAID-ENOUGH Worker blinks one more time before shrugging. Behind Croe, the little security gate opens and she walks into the wider bank.
INT. GOLDEN BANK LOBBY - EVENING
We get a wide shot of the whole lobby, showing customers stuck talking to greedy bank attendants while their co-workers stalk the floor for their next prey.
Croe dodges around it all, flashing her I.D. card at a security guard and entering a poorly-lit hallway behind the attendant booths.
INT. EMPLOYEE-ONLY HALLWAY - EVENING
She checks again to see if anyone is nearby before squatting down and sticking her arm into a small hole in the wall. We hear a loud *squeak* and Croe pulls a RAT out of the hole.
Croe bops the Rat on the head and it freezes. Suddenly its eyes go bright red and it bends into the vague shape of a landline phone receiver.
Croe puts the RAT PHONE up to her ear.
RAT PHONE
(female new-yorker accent)
You’ve reached the Rat King’s Hivemind Hotline, how can we help you today?
CROE
Uh yeah, can you patch me into King?
RAT PHONE
Which one?
CROE
(agitated)
You know which one I’m talking about.
Croe hears a bubblegum *pop* from the Rat Phone.
RAT PHONE
(dead-pan)
I assure you, I don’t.
Croe aggressively taps her foot.
CROE
The Golden Bank heist? Ringing any bells?
RAT PHONE
Erm… (beat) Oh, ooh. King #1966? Yeah, give me a minute.
The RAT PHONE’s voice is replaced with distorted elevator music for a few seconds before coming back.
KING
Hello?
CROE
King, finally. Are you close to their defenses yet?
INT. BANK VENTS - EVENING
We see KING(57), a medium-sized rat with a posh British accent, crawling through the dark vents.
KING
About ten paces away. Are you close to the vault?
INT. EMPLOYEE-ONLY HALLWAY - EVENING
Croe stands in front of the vault, hands triumphantly on their hips and a smile on their face.
CROE
Right in front of it.
Croe cups the rat phone between her neck and right shoulder. With her free hands, she begins hacking into the keypad on the vault door.
PAN UP TO…
INT. BANK VENTS - EVENING
King walking over a vent grate showing Croe underneath in the hall. At the end of the vent is a bomb. He crawls up to it and unscrews the casing to reveal a mess of multi-colored wires.
CROE (O.S.)
I almost got the vault door!
KING
(frantic)
Wait wait, we need to be careful with this.
CROE (O.S.)
To hell with “careful”, we’re in front of the biggest jackpot in the city!
KING
Yeah! And the bank’s security made sure the “city’s biggest jackpot” has a nice big bomb attached to it for anyone like us.
CROE (O.S.)
Well. That’s a damn shame. Because I’m one button press away from unlocking this vault.
KING
What?!
King scrambles to the vent grate and sees Croe looking up at him with a smug grin and their hand hovering over the keypad.
ENVOI
(taunting)
It’s now or never King! I can’t hold my finger back for long!
KING
Don’t you—
He lets out a growl and runs back the wires.
KING
Shit shit shit—
In desperation, he jumps headfirst into the wires and pulls out a red one with his bare teeth.
INT. EMPLOYEE-ONLY HALLWAY - EVENING
At the same time King pulls out the wires, Croe opens the massive vault door.
INT. THE VAULT - EVENING
The Vault is absolutely loaded, every wall lined with gold bars and stacks of bills. Croe takes off her sunglasses and stares at it in pure awe.
Croe kneels in front of the stacks of cash and places the rat phone down on the floor (she presses its belly to put it on speakerphone).
KING
Croe?
Croe is stuffing money into her coat.
CROE
(distracted)
Yeah?
INT. BANK VENTS - EVENING
In front of King, the bomb is blinking bright red with the screen flashing “2:00” and counting down.
KING
We have an issue.
INT. THE VAULT - EVENING
CROE
What kind of-
DOESN’T-GET-PAID-ENOUGH WORKER
That’s them, officer.
Croe turns around to see DOESN’T-GET-PAID-ENOUGH Worker surrounded by two SECURITY GUARDS(Human-Sized Cockroaches) at the door to the Vault. GUARD #1 is brandishing four swords for each of his arms and GUARD #2 is holding a big mace that it clasps with three of its hands.
KING
(talking very quickly)
So don’t blame me for any of this but the bomb is about to go off in —let’s see here— three minutes! If you don’t want to be turned into a fried chicken plate I suggest you start running NOW.
Croe continues to stare at the security guards. They’re still packing gold into their coat, doing it very slowly like that’ll somehow make the guards not see it.
KING (cont’d)
If you got a watch or something I suggest starting to track the time cause it’s winding down.
(beat)
Croe?
The Security Guards' grip on their weapons tightens as they take a step closer to Croe.
KING
Croe respond—
CROE
(cuts King off with a laugh)
Gentlemen! Let’s not do anything hasty!
She throws her hands up and sneakily shuffles away from the Guards.
CROE
You heard the man on the... rat. This place is about to blow any minute! Do you really want to waste your time on me when you could be escaping?
DOESN’T-GET-PAID-ENOUGH Worker raises a key-sized clicker in his hand and presses it. Then he presses it again and again. And for the first time, he shows a tinge of worry on his face
The Guards don’t notice this and continue to corner Croe with weapons raised.
KING
One minute left!
Croe lets out a nervous chuckle and bumps into the stack of cash they laid the RAT PHONE on. They look beyond the guards to DOESN’T-GET-PAID-ENOUGH Worker freaking out and then running out of the hall. But in the space he left, CROE spots an open window at the end of the hallway.
An idea comes into their head.
CROE
(whispered)
Sorry King!
They bop the Rat Phone’s head and it reverts back to a normal rat. They then chuck the rat at Guard #1’s face.
Guard #1 shrieks as the rat scratches his eyes with Guard #2 dropping his mace in shock. CROE takes their chance and dashes past them.
INT. EMPLOYEE-ONLY HALLWAY - EVENING
Croe skids across the floor as she runs for the window, all the while the sound of the bomb beeping grows louder and louder.
She hurries up to the window and tries to pull it open but it jams.
CROE
(desperate)
Cmon! Cmon!
Suddenly, she feels something slide out of her pocket and clank onto the floor. She looks down to see a gold bar and wastes no time picking it up and smashing the window’s glass.
The beeping is getting louder. Croe kicks away the pieces of glass and haphazardly crawls out the window.
EXT. GOLDEN BANK BUSHES IN THE PARKING-LOT
She falls face-first into a bundle of bushes. They frantically scamper out of it onto the pavement and quickly covers her ears as the beeping grows louder and louder and louder till—
BOOM goes the bank’s first floor, sending a shockwave through the city block and causing every car alarm in the parking lot to go off.
CROE wearily looks up to the burning bank. A beat passes.
The sound of police sirens snaps them back to reality and they check their pockets for the cash before running away into the parking lot.
SCENE
